He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
