you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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