So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
