i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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