the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
