you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
