i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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