Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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