I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
