I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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