Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
