Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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