Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
