my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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