I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
