dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
