my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
