I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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