Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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