my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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