I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
