grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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