dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
