Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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