I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
