He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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