Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
This toilet bowl is my home.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
