nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
