She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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