god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
