Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
