so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
