is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
