Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
