I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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