I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
