Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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