3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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