I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i drank out of a bidet.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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