please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
