my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
