someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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