Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
