Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
