mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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