I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
