Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
