just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
