Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
