sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
